yall, i need this

funny stuff...

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do drugs​tores​ make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store​ to get their​ presc​ripti​ons while​ healt​hy peopl​e can buy cigar​ettes​ at the front​.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​.​do peopl​e order​ doubl​e chees​eburg​ers,​ large​ fries​,​ and a diet coke.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​ do banks​ leave​ both doors​ open and then chain​ the pens to the count​ers.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do we leave​ cars worth​ thous​ands of dolla​rs in the drive​way and put our usele​ss junk in the garag​e.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do we buy hot dogs in packa​ges of ten and buns in packa​ges of eight​.​

Only in Ameri​ca .​.​.​.​.​do they have drive​-​up ATM machi​nes with Brail​le lette​ring.​

EVER WONDE​R.​.​.​.​

Why the sun light​ens our hair,​ but darke​ns our skin?​

Why women​ can'​t put on masca​ra with their​ mouth​ close​d?​

Why don'​t you ever see the headl​ine '​Psych​ic Wins Lotte​ry'​?​

Why is '​abbre​viate​d'​ such a long word?​

Why is it that docto​rs call what they do '​pract​ice'​?​

Why is lemon​ juice​ made with artif​icial​ flavo​r,​ and dishw​ashin​g liqui​d made with real lemon​s?​

Wh y is the man who inves​ts all your money​,​ calle​d a broke​r?​

Why is the time of day wit h the slowe​st traff​ic calle​d rush hour?​

Why isn'​t there​ mouse​-​flavo​red cat food?​

Why didn'​t Noah swat those​ two mosqu​itoes​?​

Why do they steri​lize the needl​e for letha​l injec​tions​?​

You know that indes​truct​ible black​ box that is used on airpl​anes?​ Why don'​t they make the whole​ plane​ out of that stuff​?​!​

Why don'​t sheep​ shrin​k when it rains​?​

Why are they calle​d apart​ments​ when they are all stuck​ toget​her?​

If flyin​g is so safe,​ why do they call the airpo​rt the termi​nal?​

Now that you'​ve smile​d at least​ once,​ it's your turn to sprea​d the stupi​dity and send this to someo​ne you want to bring​ a smile​ to (​maybe​ even a chuck​le)​.​.​.​in other​ words​,​ send it to every​one.​ 

We all need to smile​ every​ once in a while​.​

HAVE A GREAT​ DAY!

come back here, eddie munster!

so, most of you probably know the story of how i dyed my hair black one time and my mom freaked out... chased me around the house and screaming "it better be a wash-out!!!!!" ...well, it wasn't a washout. i had always wanted black hair, just to see what it would look like. my old youth minister, kevin kirkland, had black hair and i thought he was so cool, so i wanted black hair too. i went to albertson's and bought a box of black hair dye and went home and dyed my hair (and my eyebrows too)

.....HORRIBLE DECISION, TAYLOR!!!

it looked so ridiculous. i am too pail for black hair, and this was out of a box, so you can only imagine what i looked like. i eventually found a way to get past my mom, as she was chasing me down the stairs, and i ran (out of pure fear) to my sister's house. she lived down the street. well, lo! and behold... sure enough... here comes mom in her xterra (going about 653,47364983 mph, i might add) roaring down the street and up into my sister's circle drive. i heard her coming and had enough time to run across the street and hid behind dr. brown's trashcans in his driveway (I'VE NEVER BEEN SO EXCITED FOR IT TO BE TRASH DAY!). mom got out of her car and started to walk up to my sister's front door and i realized i had two choices:

1. stay hidden, and face certain doom...
   
2. OR, run and hope i get home before she does. then lock myself in a closet or the basement or start juggling milk cartons to distract her!
   

i chose the ladder, and high-tailed it down the street. i wasn't even 5 feet in the street before i hear, "COME BACK HERE, EDDIE MUNSTER!" at that point, i prayed for her car not to start. well, that didn't work. here she came, flying out of the driveway, honking, flashing her brights and screaming "YOU CAN RUN, BUT YOU CANT HIDE, ELVIS!" ...i only got half-way down the block before she was on my boot-heels. not even kidding, if i hadn't taken a leap of faith into the grass, i'm pretty sure she would've run over me and i would've been flat as a pancake, yall!

anyway, the point of drudging up my near-death experience... i found a video online of this incident!!! characters have been changed, and it wasn't snowing... but the situation is pretty much the same... enjoy... :)

sa-da-saaa! it's saaaaturday!

first off... HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSIE!

well, the play last night went well. we had a lot of lesbians in the crowd. whenever we do, david {our director} always walks backstage and says

"ok guys, we've got lebanese tonight!"

haha! i guess when your show is called VAMPIRE LESBIANS OF SODOM, it's to be expected, yeah? anyway, it was pretty high energy last night. very fun. my high-heels broke though, so  during this chase scene in the show, i was running around the stage clip-cloppin' around trying not to bust ass!

jess rhodes is coming to the show tonight. after the show is over, we have to go perform a scene for this woman {at least i think she is a woman... you never know!} who has optioned us to perform at her birthday halloween bash or something. she is a local celebrity... in certain circles. from what i hear, she is a professional... umm... well... i'll put it this way: she runs a cat house where goods/services are offered/available that are not generally socially accepted... people pay her a ridiculously large amount of money to... ahem... well, uh, you get the picture!

it should be fun. it's a huge party. i'm sure i will see 354,587489300 crazy characters there. i can't wait! it's kinda going to be my halloween since i can't do anything on halloween night because of the play. we perform on halloween at 8pm and then we have a midnight show. so, we won't be leaving the theatre until around 3am :-\

i am about to go send will his birthday present. he is turning 9.... shit that floors me! i cannot believe he is NINE! it really and truly seems like he was just a baby yesterday!!!

i remember october 30, 1999 very well. my weenie dog, talley, got hit by a car that evening. my dad and i had to go up to the carriage and tell my mom what happened. we went to the back door of the carriage and told her and she literally had a nervous breakdown. she kept saying "NO! NO! NO! PLEASE NO!" and dropped to the floor. even my dad was crying. it was really sad. talley really was a little part of our family... by far, the best dog i've ever had! mom followed us home and everyone came over. todd & dave dug a little hole in our backyard and buried him. we had this ceramic weenie dog statue that we put on top of his little grave. it was really sweet and sad. later that night, i was supposed to go to hollie worthington's halloween party and i was so upset and didn't want to go. and will was at the house. he was 2 days. they had JUST brought him home from the hospital. crazy days! my dad kinda made me go to the party. i don't even remember what i dressed up as. i think i was a pirate? no, i was a mummy? no... i actually have no idea what i was! that's weird! haha

anyway, i need to go get that stuff done before the shows tonight! have a good day, everyone!

{haha, little fat bat!}

PS: 61 days 'til christmas!

it's showtime!

so... today was my last midterm and i am so glad they are over! tonight i am about to go to dinner and then do the play! then we're all going to see tanaya's show after ours... wow. i am just glad to be done with school for the week, and showered and clean and about to eat! {whew}

mona and jess rhodes are coming to the show tomorrow! i am excited to see them, ESPECIALLY mona! i haven't seen her since may! so crazy! she is so fun... i miss her.

TOMORROW is jessie's birthday!

i am about ready for bed right now

{and it's only 6pm}

and my day's not even half over! dang, yall!

ps: 62 days left! ...the christmas countdown continues!
ps again: i am obsessed with crystal light pineapple-orange... it is G.U.D. good!

this just made my whole life!

ok i just found the funniest video i have ever seen in like 10 years or something! oh my god tears are exploding out of my eyes...... i can't get over it, yall!!!!

good lord, this is hilarious!

if you want to view it full-screen...
click here

snowman's got the floor, yall!

"i have an announcement!"

guess what is happening in 3 days!

it's jessie's birthday! nevermind the fact that she is wearing a santa hat, and that she's in a polka-dot room... this picture was from a long time ago that i made and i thought it would be funny. anyway...

HAPPY EARLY BIRTHDAY, JESSIE!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!

YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL!

I MISS YOU TO DEATH!

sorry i can't be there to hug and kiss on ya like i always do, but i will be home soon! :-D

new jacket

i got a new jacket and i'm real excited about it! i'm gonna make it really cool-looking... 

OH! and i got the rest of my hair cut off and it looks better now, i think. at least i don't look like a dyke anymore. now i can make it spiky and crazy or whatever. it's not the best haircut i've ever had {in fact, not even close}... but it works for now. it has that "i just got my hair cut" look - not a fan of that look. i'll put it this way... my mom would give me a weird look if she saw it. might even chase me down the street and try to run me over with her xterra again! just kidding... she doesn't have an xterra anymore! ;-) love you, mom!

64 days 'til christmas and i'm getting excited about it, yall...

yall, i know halloween and thanksgiving are right around the corner, but i don't really care about all that... christmas is popping up all over the place lately! the other day, i walked by urban outfitters and their whole window display was christmas and macy's has christmas trees hung up sideways on the walls and this morning, ginger calls me and says that she is at westlake hardware in san angelo and they have all their christmas stuff out! she sais she burst out into song "it's beginning to look a lot like christmas!"

i can't even dress up for halloween b/c of the plays i'm in. we have 2 performances on halloween: one at 8pm and one at midnight. by the time we leave the theatre, it'll be about 3am and we'll all be so exhausted from doing 2 shows. jeez! anyway, i guess it's a fun way to spend halloween, in a show, with a bunch of people coming to watch you... and they'll all probably dress up since it's halloween night. i'm not too bummed out about it. mark and sarah ad i were going to dress up as hobos though, and walk around and it was gonna be so hilarious, but i guess we can do that anytime. haha

i need to do laundry today! i walked into my apartment this morning after i got coffee and thought "umm, i think someone ransacked this joint while i was gone".... it's a mess. i haven't had a messy apartment in so long. i always keep this place clean. clothes all over the place, things hangin' out all over... looks like my dresser exploded...

oh, ginger just called me. i'm talking to her right now. 

"ginger, you wanna say something to my blog?"

"bros before ho's... just kidding."

anyway, i'm gonna go. what do you think of my new and improved blog??? let me know! be commenting about it, yall!

christmas and hair

{midterms are almost over, thank God}

so, my main fiasco:

i got a haircut the other day... told the woman "just cut like half an inch off, i just want a little trim, ya know?" NO PROBLEM, she says... then proceeds to chop the back of my hair off. by the time the words "what are you doi-----" got out of my mouth, it was too late. millions of blonde and brown strands of hair swooped down the front of my apron and onto the floor, to be swept up and throw away in the hair cemetery. after careful examination, we decided the only thing left to do is to cut the rest off to match it. i didn't let her touch the front of my hair because i want to grow the front out so i can wear it in my face, instead of up and crazy. now i hate it. so i have had this weird almost-lesbian haircut for about 4 days and i am at my wit's end. it's driving me nuts, so i'm going to get the top cut off and have my usual "funky, tall craziness" hair. whatever, it will all grow back in a few weeks anyway. UUUUUUHHHHH! stupid dumb hair!

what else? 65 days 'til christmas! i've been listening to christmas music all day every day for the past month or so... i never stop listening to it though... i can't get enough of it/ it just fills me with this wonderful warmth. although it makes me homesick sometimes... but it's so close to christmas, i know i'll be home tomorrow! other than that... what else is going on?

OH! i've been on the hunt for a coat because my old roommate stole my old coat i think. anyway, it's nowhere to be found so i have to get a new one. looked for 2 days and found nothing. finally went to macy's last night and found like 10 coats... haha! of course, the last place i go, right?! anyway, it's super cool and i'm gonna mess with it and make it look really neat and "tayish" - know what i mean?! :)

UPDATE:

{ just called the hair place - "On Mars" - and got a hold

of the girl and i am going at 6 to get my hair looking decent,

and not like a dyke... yuck! }

*i saw a homeless woman (who was clearly on drugs) get hit by a car the other day.

she just walked out into the oncoming traffic. scared the shit out of me!

*i spent $96 on groceries the other day and got some really good stuff.

*we only have 2 more weekends of performances left for the plays i'm in.

*...and my kitchen is now red.

san francisco is hobotastic!

Guy who pretends to be blind 
Walks around all day with sunglasses and a white tipped cane, but I've seen him at 4am buying dope on Leavenworth and reading a newspaper. I know it is the same person- he wears a really dirty 49ers jacket and pj pants. He is not blind. I don't get it. 

Woman with fish 
I was walking behind her and I smelled fish. Not necessarily rotting fish, but definitely fish. When we got to the intersection I saw that she had a bunch of whole fish strung around her neck. I want to be classy too. 

Toothbrush woman 
Today she was sitting outside the Hall of Justice at about 2-2:30 pm brushing her teeth with an electric toothbrush. When I unlocked my bike and walked past I saw that she was dipping the toothbrush into a bottle of nailpolish remover. What the FUCK?! 

Teenage girl with boyfriend on a dog leash 
On the 30 early in the morning I have twice seen the girl (age 15 or 16) sitting with her boyfriend. Normally I would think "aw, what a nice looking highschool couple" Except that the boyfriend had a red dog collar around his neck, and the girl was holding the end of the chain leash. Does anyone else think this is scary? 

Shower puff woman 
Homeless woman in north beach with many plastic shower loofahs adorning her hair. 

Giant baby carraige fetish 
Guy pushing around his lover (?) in a giant baby carraige in soma. The man sitting in the stroller was wearing a diaper. I'm not even joking a little bit. Come on, no one wants to see that.

Man with wrinkled anus tattoo 
This guy was shirtless and had what from a distance looked like a huge back piece of a hot chick with a thong on. When we got closer we realized she was spreading her cheeks and her bumhole had been rendered in stunning detail. 

Peeface 
Peeface is a name my friend gave to the guy who sleeps outside her building. She and her boyfriend have both seen this fascinating ritual performed: When most people wash their faces they use some sort of cleansing material and water. When this guy wakes up, one of the first things he does is pee in a bottle and then ceremoniously douse his bald head and face in piss. Now you know how it is possible for people to reek so strongly of urine. They bathe in it. 

stuff

well i applied for a job at the franklin bowles art gallery. it pays well and i hope i get it. the art gallery is really amazing! right now they are having a salvador dali exhibit. i am waiting to hear form them...

i am a bit homesick and would love to come home but i don't have enough money to right now, so that's a no-go.

i still want to get a dog!

i just found out some news about someone's family and i am so sad to hear it. you know who you are. that's horrible, and i agree with you on what you say you want to do. i just hope it happens for you.

anyway, thats all i have for now...

ps: 152 DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

just so you know...

i'm the new hotel california!

well, good mornin' yall! dang, will leaves for camp in just a few hours..... it freaks me out! like, seriously! there is nothing like summercamp... nothing. he is gonna have a blaaaaaaaaast! it kinda makes me sad though, in a way. i really miss longhorn. i wish i had gone and been a counselor for more than one year. i am totally a camp kid, but i did other things in those summers a few years ago. and i was talking to my camp friend last night and we were laughing so hard about all the funny camp stories and myths and all that camp stuff. GOD i miss it!

anyway, i have a lot goin' on today...

• orientation @ urban outfitters
• gotta run a few errands
• meet nee-nee and tes` at the airport tonight! :D

i seriously can't wait any longer for them to get here. today will probably seem SO long. i'll be looking at my watch like every 9 seconds.

is it time yet? are they here yet? well, how much longer! can you pull over, i gotta pee!

yall text me today. i'm way anxious for the sisters to get here! text me text me text me! DO IT!

ps...

i need a dishwasher and a microwave......

surfacing

well today has been very productive. i had the day off. boy, did i need it! i cleaned, cleaned and cleaned... and then i did some cleaning. ;-)

listened to good music all day, and it's still going! my little nephew (will) is going to summercamp tomorrow morning! camp longhorn... same camp i went to. i am worried about him because he has never been away from home like that. furthermore, he can't even spend the night at tesa's house! but, tyler will be at camp (he's a counselor), so at least will will have someone there he knows and can be a security blanket of sorts. haha... will will. i'm a retard. my feet hurt. now i'm rambling.

god! i miss home so much. but i am super pumped about tomorrow! i have orientation tomorrow morning and then i am meeting nee-nee and tes` at the airport! i think we should go to the cheesecake factory for dinner. oooh, or that italian place in the castro. or brandy ho's... but i don't know if they would like it. there's sushi, but i don't know if tesa likes it. there's only one good mexican food joint here, but that would be stupid to go to a mexican food place. they eat it all the time in san angelo. so that leaves cheesecake factory. it'll be fun and they can't get a ood look at union square at evening and at night! yep, that's where we'll go! :)

i just made potato soup. it's in the freezer right now. i nearly burnt my damn tongue off. it's scorching hot. i blew on it and everything, and it wasn't steaming. little fucker tricked me! ;-)

oh, ps: the new slang for cocaine is "yay". that's what people have started to call it around here, and throughout the bay area. weird, huh? 

"hey bro, i got some cocaine."

"yay!"

ok i have to continue cleaning. i have 900 little piles of things in the floor, i jut have to put it all up now. i have NO MORE ROOM in my closet. this is annoying. i need to et that dresser i bought from the antique mall over here PRONTO. AND i got a letter from jazz in the mail today and it made my whole day! jeez! this weekend has been productive and fun. bt i guess anything could seem fun after what i just went through. glad it's over though! *whew*

ok chickens, that's all i got for now.

'cause things are gonna change so fast... all the white horses have gone ahead...

hmm.

i didn't sleep last night - for a number of reasons. and i was up all day running errands for this lady i help out sometimes, and i got home about 5pm and sat down to check my email and stuff... and i was asleep before i knew it. i put some music on and i don't think i even made it through one song!

i'm not going to rehash this week's happenings, but suffice to say, it's wayyyy over. she cannot be trusted, and she proved it once again. and you know what... i'm ok. actually, i feel pretty good. after i found everything out this morning, i took a shower, got ready, and got busy with my day, and i had a lot of fun! PLUS nee-nee and tesa are coming on sunday and i am so excited, yall have no idea! :D

my apartment is coming together pretty well. i still have to paint the kitchen and hallway and i want to get that done before my sisters get here in 2 days. so tomorrow, i'm gonna paint paint paint! plus, it's good to stay busy. stay active. when ya sit around all day, you're tired from doing nothing. that makes no sense but that's the way it goes. this city is too alive and full of opportunity for anyone to just loaf around all day!

today, i walked through union square on my way home and window-shopped a little. i cannot tell you how many tourists there were. well, not necessarily tourists, but just people everywhere! al over the place. i've never seen it so busy. i guess it's on account of it being summer. it was exciting! this city never ceases to amaze me! i love it!

happy friday, everbo-day!

well, it's friday morning and i'm not sure why i'm awake so friggin' early, but i am! i was browsing through some old stuff yesterday and found this old blog i used to have. i haven't written anything since september of last year, and my other blog died or something. so i'm going to start using this one again. a lot has happened since september. let's see..... christmas happened..... :) and i moved to california and bla bla bla you already know everything that has happened.

i love my new apartment. i painted it because white walls are stupid and depressing. ummm... i did well in school this semester - for the first time since i graduated highschool...... i'm ridiculous, but i'm finally on track! OH and i want a dog.

i really miss all my family and friends back in san angelo, but my sisters are coming in 2 days and i'm about to pee my pants! i'm so excited! i think that is all for now...

OH and i want a dog really bad. :D